Chapter 23

23 Oct

Self Taught Part Four: Black Tiger Claw

After my hung gar escapades, I decided to follow up on my interest in Black tiger claw. This is by far the shortest of my self taught excursions; only lasting 6 days.

Day 1

I do some initial research (i.e., go to Martialartsmart.com), and browse around. I see the perfect DVD; cheap, on clearance no doubt (I would’ve paid full price, suckers!). I mow the lawn and get 25 dollars, which I turn into a credit card gift card, which I use to buy the DVD. I spent twenty bucks (free shipping, to boot), and couldn’t have been happier.

Except I had to wait.

Day 2

The wait is agonizing. I sit, wasting away until the mail woman comes. No DVD. I writhe around youtube, looking for tiger claw videos to satiate my hunger. Nothing worthy is found. I continue bathing in sorrow.

Day 3

I continue waiting, feeling numb to the world. Tunnel vision takes the world from me, with the only object I can clearly make out being the mail box. No DVD. No vitality.

Day 4

Sunday. Cruel.

Day 5

Finally, let the heralds ring! Let a million cherubs spring forth from the skies and shower me with rose petals while I dance naked in a fountain of glory! Finally, my DVD has arrived!

I quickly rip off the plastic, and shove it into my DVD player.

I’m met by a muscley austrian fellow. He’s wearing a black tank top, with a giant tiger face printed on it. I figure yes, it’s corny, but it’s the real deal. Tiger style, baby.

He shows the form.

It is the single most disappointing moment in my life.

He jumps from one homoerotic posture to another, with the most exaggerated ineffective arm movements I’ve ever seen. Even my free online Hung Gar resources were better than this, and I paid twenty damn dollars for this pansy to jump around!

The moves consist of either tiger palm to the face/throat, or a palm to the groin. Every palm to the groin he slows it down, and hovers gently above the crotch. He stands there for a good few seconds, saying how it would hurt the opponent. My mom walks in.

“What the hell is this crap?”

“It was supposed to be a cool kung fu movie.”

“Well, this kung fu is gay. Go clean up your room.”

I turn it off, and clean my room. The entire time I brood about the wasted money.

Day 6

I’ve barely practiced the DVD at all. I take his basic concepts and half assedly apply them against dad. As I expected, they failed. Miserably. I feel burned. I feel dirty. My spirit is broken. On top of that, I’m out of leads. What am I going to study now? Will I ever achieve greatness, or just stagnate in this Black Tiger filth?

The answer comes to me in the way of Jackie Chan in Drunken Master, and Legend of Drunken Master.

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