Chapter 24

23 Oct

Self taught, Part Five: Drunken Boxing

After the Black Tiger Claw incident, my feelings for kung fu (and life) were rejuvenated by Jackie Chan and his drunken antics. I watched the movies over and over, and grew to love it. When my friends and I would play fight, I’d pretend to use drunken boxing. They would laugh and say it was stupid; I did agree it LOOKED silly, but I honestly thought it could work.

The first part of my quest was, undoubtedly, the hardest.

I began my studies of Xi Quan with the usual google/wikipedia search. My research uncovered the following gems:

There was a character in the Dead or Alive video game series who used DB (Drunken Boxing)

Lei Wulong, from tekken, utilized the style

Jackie Chan had two movies (!) involving it

It was, initially, discouraging. My searches on other styles, in previous ventures, had provided much more fruitful discoveries. There were no online techniques, and the only youtube videos I found were wushu drunken boxing (performance at best). I searched every book website until I found a book. It had a multicolored cover, which looked rather stupid, but I didn’t care. It said Drunken Boxing on it, which was all I needed.

It arrived a week later. “The Drunken Kung Fu and its Application”, I dove head first into the book. What I found was horrible; It looked more like kung fu, except they replaced the midly useful parts of kung fu forms with stupid bull crap. Even as deluded as I was, I could tell this book was a waste of time. It had moves like “Lu Dong Bin draws the Sword”. Hold your fist out, then put your index and middle finger pointing out. Imagine a peace sign, but then glue your fingers together. Now, pretend as if you are drawing a sword from a scabbard (a sword placed on your back), pull the sword to your waist, then stab your fingers forward.

Gripped by despair, I continued my research. If this was the only book out there, a book full of stupid crapola, then this self taught experience was going to end quick. The Legend of Drunken Master had started me on this search. The only problem was, in the movie, Jackie Chan was already a drunken kung fu master. If only there was a prequel of some sort, where it shows him learning the style. Perhaps I could mimic his training methods. I mean, they had to do research on the style to make the movie, right? Hire actual factual drunken kung fu masters to choreograph all of it? It took just a look at Jackie Chan’s filmography to realize that there was, in fact, a prequel. Drunken Master.

I bought it on Amazon, waited, and watched.

I cannot describe my feelings of joy.

Not only did it show the training, it showed forms. Not one, not two, not three, but eight. In this movie, Jackie chan used 8 drunken immortals boxing. Some of the forms were short (20 – 30 seconds) while some were longer (1 – 2 minutes), and I saw everything I wanted in the style. Elbows, knees, punches, evasion, take downs, everything. I even saw what I interpreted to be the Muay Thai knee up shin block (The drunk with one leg; the fact I can’t remember his name means I need to watch this movie again).

I watched the movie over and over, and eventually found a slomo option on my DVD player. I mimiced the movements perfectly. Many nights I would work up a great sweat perfecting my drunken art. Eventually, I had decided I was proficient in the style. Well, except for one part.

I had no idea what it was like to be drunk.

I’d never drank or done anything similar to that in my life; I had seen other people drunk, but I didn’t know how to pretend I was drunk when I’d never been it. I had to improvise my drunken act, which turned out half alright. The most notable part of my act was my face. In retrospect, it was HILARIOUS. I would first make the People’s Eyebrow face. Then, the eye that didn’t have the people’s eye brow would be half shut. After that, I’d fill my mouth half full with air, puffing my cheeks and lips out. Occasionally I’d smacker my lips to give the illusion of…well, I don’t know why I did that actually. But it made perfect sense at the time.

After mastering Mr. Chan’s version, I took the (very limited) drunken moveset of Lei Wulong, and borrowed a copy of Dead or Alive 3, where I stole one characters iteration of it as well. Finally, I had decided to try my deadly art form out.

First, of course, was Dynamite. He stood no chance to begin with. I could use any style, and he would get beat. I used him more as a way to get my feet wet. After raping him, I decided to move to the highest tier I had available; Tall boy.

We don the fencing helmets and leather jackets. Out into the front yard we went.

I decimated him.

He couldn’t predict when or where I would be striking him. I’d hit, do a drunken kick, wrap myself around him to take him down, then finish him with BJJ. I’d found an invincible duo of styles; Drunken Boxing and BJJ. I, with great confidence, challenged my father. Life would never be the same.

He gets in his Thai stance, I assume the “Face” and start my wobbling. He goes for a leg kick, and I one legged immortal block it. Drunken Boxing has already surpassed Bagua, because it didn’t get raped by a leg kick.

He goes for a basic 1-2, but I utilize parries and slip in a backhand attack. It makes a resounding thud on his fencing helmet. Drunken Boxing has already surpassed Wing Chun, because I could avoid the 1-2 and hit with power.

I continue my attacks, when he goes for an open handed hook (I’m guessing so it wouldn’t hit me too hard). I use the Fat immortals “Carrying the pot” to block it, then continue my drunken assault with a “throat lock”. He goes to hit, but I evade with more drunken movements. Drunken Boxing has surpassed Hung Gar/Black Tiger, because I could effectively use throat locks without getting my ass handed to me.

It was the most effective style I’d ever taught myself. We finish sparring, and I felt like I won. My dad comments, “Hey, that wasn’t as bad as that other crap.” I agreed with the old man. I had found the perfect style. I had found where I should be.

Then I found a scale.

It would appear that, since I left real training and went into self teaching, I had gained weight. I was 17 years old and 220 pounds. This wasn’t going to work. I woefully left drunken boxing behind as I searched for a real school. I needed to get back in shape, and lose some of this fat. I knew I didn’t have enough knowledge to really make my own work out schedule, or the discipline. On the flip side, I wasn’t going to join some bullshit school just for the exercise. I needed a balance.

Down the street was a school that advertised, “Kickboxing Karate”.

This would inevitably be the worse bullshit school I’d ever faced.

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